Hey guys its been about 3 weeks since I’ve last posted on here.
Update on me:
- My relationship with God is not so good, but I’m trying and I’m trusting that he has a plan for me.
- I still constantly feel lonely which I’m working on
- I started working out again! I’m trying to accomplish my goal of benching 225 by the end of this year
- I really want to make this blog good, add new forms of media, and y’all can peep into my bomb ass style
Loneliness:
I have been going through this whole fog of loneliness for I don’t know how long. I constantly feel a void in my life on a daily basis, maybe it’s from the break-up, maybe it’s from an underlying lack of care for my own well being, but its there. My day goes: I wake up, go to school, come home, and either watch Youtube or browse Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram. I have that cycle on repeat for the hours up until I go to sleep and repeat over and over again every day. I feel as if I use social media and its mindless plethora of new post and videos to hide the emptiness I have felt for so long. I’m going to try to resolve it the same way I did my breakup by talking about what led me to this point. Maybe it will help you if you’re feeling lonely also.
I remember vividly an early feeling of this emotion at the beginning of my senior year of high school. School had just started and my ex and our mutual friends were in Physics. I felt the immediate disconnect from the year before when I and Lucy were still together in the friend group. Many of them were not very interested in talking to me or felt awkward about choosing a “side” to be on. I do not know what it was but I already felt that void. They all were planning on going to the movies with each other and I guess I strayed away into the doorway because I didn’t want to feel awkward about not being invited. This feeling persisted throughout the school year. I felt the disconnect late August and it went through homecoming, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Prom, and then graduation. During the school year, however, I began to go home straight away and immediately watch youtube videos and take a nap until my mom came home. We would eat dinner from there, I would watch more Youtube, and then go to sleep. The next day I repeated the process. I would go to school, avoid those people, go home, sleep, Youtube, mindless social media, eat, and sleep. As days went on and months went by, I got into such a fog that I never felt lonely. I always saturated my brain with immediate pleasures such as the explore page on Instagram or the new feed on Twitter, that I never had any time to actually be with myself and resolve my issues.
Fast forward to College: Now I am a freshman in College but the feeling of loneliness is still there. I still feel the need to scroll through social media mindlessly, still watch unnecessary and superficial Youtube videos, and then drown the rest of the time in sleep.
But you know what, that needs to change for my self. I know the problem I am facing and I need to fill it with things of substance. My relationship with God is not good because I don’t take the time to say more than superficial prayers. Writing this right now I remember the quote, “A fool is a man who does the same things and expects a different outcome”. I am going to make a relationship with God, no matter my affinity to not think deeply of my life. Instead of sulking in social media, I will read, pick up new hobbies that will give me goals to reach, and spend time with my self in silence. I need to get away from all the saturation the world provides to improve my mind.
Thanks for reading y’all!!
Have a good day 🙂