Im 22 now; how time flies. Khang and I have recently become friends again, and he brings back many memories with him about Lucy, and they’re bittersweet. Time doesn’t heal; it just takes the edge off. I have changed a lot, and I wish we were still in contact. Im not ashamed of not resolving everything; I am human. I have an unconditional love for her. (Why do I feel shame admitting that) Places bring back forgotten memories. I drive past the park where we broke up; it was raining that day. Past the tennis courts where we had our first kiss when I missed high. Down the street of my childhood home, and remember giving her my knife, telling her to stay safe on her runs, and walking back home.
Narcolepsy-induced depression has wiped out most of my memories from that period, but the feelings persist.
I don’t think I have fully processed the amount of pain I felt from that breakup. It destroyed my self-confidence and self-worth for years, and im still putting the pieces back together today. Every day for the entire school year id see her sitting on his lap or him kissing her, and it would destroy me cause I still loved her. I’d go home and cry until I fell asleep every day and come back and see it again the next day. It destroyed me like a wound that wouldn’t heal. Sometimes id see it multiple times a day and would go to the restroom and cry it out or walk around the school. That was terrible. I cried and cried that year. I developed an altered sense of altruism. I thought by not telling her it bothered me, I was helping her, but that just conditioned me into believing my feelings didn’t matter. And for years after, I was stuck in that self-sacrifice mentality and would give my all to people who didn’t deserve it (Lucy did deserve it), and it left me empty. Now im still working on that, catching myself often. I don’t ever want to feel like I did that year again; it makes me sad thinking about it.
It’s amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces.
Ella Harper
I let out my frustrations that day.
I shouldn’t have done it that way.
The truth is not always beautiful, nor beautiful words the truth.
He considers those who points out his faults as his most benevolent teachers. He thinks of his enemy as the shadow that he himself casts.
“Tao Te Ching” – Lao Tzu
I fell into the trap of reacting to how someone makes me feel instead of reacting to their intentions … and hurt someone I care about deeply. I can’t take it back, the damage is done, and I regret it daily. It lingers in my subconscious and takes form in my dreams often. I am the villain of her story. Why did I believe wholeheartedly that not talking to her would be better for both of us? It pains me to think how that must’ve made her feel abandoned. I regret lacking the empathy to make her feel special and loved. I regret that we didn’t choose idealistic that summer. I think it’s in my nature to regret deeply … and isn’t relieved by just being a better person like others suggest.
I knew her from 14-17, we were kids, and It’s been almost double the number of years. Her brother’s birthday recently passed and I care about that kid a lot. I think of her brother like my own brother. I remember the little boy I took home from school every day or taught how to hit a forehand at Cravens. I remember being impressed; he got it so quickly. To think his birthday just passed and is older than the age his sister and I were when we were going through all this makes me feel old. I feel invested in him. I felt really happy when I found out she hypes up my sister’s stories or would help them with their college questions. I see the friendship our siblings have and wish it could’ve been different for us.
It’s almost 6 years since the breakup, and I still love her. People would say maybe I love the idea of her in my head cause you idealize someone and make up a person that isn’t real. But that’s not the case for me. I don’t care who she is now, nor do I have a preconception of who she was then. No. I love her but not romantically. But isn’t that obsessive? No, it doesn’t preoccupy my mind, but when I evaluate myself, I know I love her immensely. I don’t know her anymore but I love her. You reading this probably think that’s sad, that I have no shame, or am melodramatic, idc.
The intensity of intimacy between two people is not based on if they share the same morals, beliefs, etc but the quirks within their personalities, and She felt 4k. I feel like we were meant to be in each other’s lives. Why do I believe that so strongly? I feel foolish. Should I be bold and say how I feel?
Her birthday is coming up; I really hope she’s well. I want to say happy birthday, but would I ruin her day? I don’t want that.
I wish I could say “Hi, my name is Binh” again. We both are shadows of the people we used to be but somehow, I believe we would connect again.
I want to know her again. Everyone we know over the past 5 years says let it go, but what if we said fuck it for one night. Let’s talk, im dying to meet you again.